nearly crashed and burned

the last two weeks have really taken it out of me

i sat in my car this morning after dropping ronnie off at nursery and cried

just me, in the quiet in my car, crying

why was i crying? i don’t really know, even now

but it felt better, much much better

i work full-time, and with that work i travel too. it really is quite full on, i know that. motherhood is full on, i know that too. life full stop is exactly that.

i’m knackered, continuously. but right now i am so tired i feel like there’s a new-born in my life. the last three years have been tough. i had to go back to work quick sharp, the joys of unplanned family expansion whilst building a house extension! we don’t get much support from family as mine live abroad and olivers parents just aren’t very involved.

i struggled when i first went back to work. ronnie was only 16 weeks old and i was in the throes of post natal depression. but the working distraction and also my darling oliver seemed to pull me through it all. however at one stage it was rocky as hell. since then i had been immensely proud on how well we had turned things around and how well we have done and how we achieved it together. it’s been painfully hard work at times. i have always been on the doubtful that i could do this parenting lark, and other had voiced their doubts too, as i had never really wanted children.

the last couple of weeks their doubts have again been my doubts too. what the hell am i doing? can’t this all go away and i can just crawl into bed with my monkies and watch dvd’s for the rest of eternity?

no

so i turned the key and drove to work.